I get hit with a lot of spam, which I love to mock butSpam otherwise, ignore. Usually, they are offering me money from the UN. I recently got hit with a trifecta:

Spam 1:

I was impressed. This is the first time someone ever sent a diplomatic agent my way with a box full of money. I briefly considered suggesting he go ahead and dip in to get an Uber, then moved to my next email of the day.

Spam 2:

Wow, what a day! Some guy is waiting for me at the airport to pass on money, and now Warren Buffett is ready to pile on an extra $1.5MM. I wonder if he could wire it to the Western Union at the airport, and I could make one trip? I’ll consider it after I read my next email. But,now, things get real!

Spam 3:

You know it’s serious when Chief Justice Mike “Allcaps” Dean is emailing. And accusing me of insults? The nerve! Notice, however, my accuser is not mentioned, only “Bank of America.”

I had to respond:

Dear Chief Justice Mike Dean. I am afraid Bank of America is right. I do insult him, but not because he asks a $59 fee. Rather, he demands sexual favors. Not only is this unprefessional, but tell me: would you find this attractive?
Granted the bank identified as male, but personally, I am not even sure how what “he” suggested would be possible.
Dear Chief Justice Mike Dean, if YOU WOULD HELP ME IN THE LAWSUIT AGAINST THIS SEXUALLY HARRASING BANK BUILDING, I WOULD SHARE WITH YOU MY WINNINGS. Surely we would get the $4MM and more.
Just send me your bank account information and a $59 fee, and we can get started on the process.
P.S. Warren Buffet, “an American business magnate, investor and philanthropist. am the most successful investor in the world,” who beleives strongly in giving, has offered $1.5MM to assist. We must stop the rampant harrassment of middle aged moms by bank buildings!
P.P.S.¬†Herry! Because a FedEx Special Diplomatic Agent is awaiting me at the SW Florida international airport to deliver my 18MM. I had no idea the U.N. cared so much for me, but I’m willing to put it all into your CHIEF JUSTICE hands. Just click the link below.

(In truth, I did not actually send this because the last thing I want is to acknowledge spammers with my usual account. I wish I got this stuff on my other email accounts, but it’s fun to pretend.)